In Both Machine and Blood

This is a bit of another downer to write, however, I was asked on Twitter by another machine to write something in depth about my experiences as another machine with dysphoria, or in this case, dysphoria with being a machine/drone. It's a bit too much to write for a small thread so I'm finally using this site for what its worth. Of course, this whole thing is a big unorganized essay/ramble about my personal experiences. Parts of it is specific to myself as a disassembly drone, other parts in general of being robotic. I go into detail about species dysphoria and picking at myself in detail, read with caution if this is a troubling topic to you.

To start off, while I am a coyote, I am a coyote or koyanthropic shapeshifter, meaning I am anything and everything coyote and take many forms. Of course, one of those things are being a machine. I am also fictionkin, specifically I am V from the indie series Murder Drones, or at the very least I know for a fact I am a Disassembly Drone. Both of these identities interlink with each other often enough I more or less see myself a V if she was a coyote and/or a coyote Disassembly Drone. That being said, this is my writings regarding dysphoria, longing, and my daydreams with my body.

It's not to say I don't mind living in a fleshy body. I know who I am at my core, as both a coyote and as a machine. I am at peace with that. Yet, I do have an underlying feeling and voice that always lurks and some days more present, it reminds me of my limits in this body. Like an annoyance, a little itch that is just barely under your skin but dug in too deep to properly itch. It reminds me of the large and the little things about my body that feels so different than what it should be.

A common discussion I will see within the alterhuman community when it comes to dysphoria is external body shape. The lack of fur to the lack of claws, or the lack of tail and the lack of ability to do quads. Yet, I often enough don't see discussion that involve the internals of our body, unless it's from other machines. I wonder if it's some kind of shared experience to focus on our inside as much as our outside.

Regardless, my body feels odd. It feels almost sick, as if my body has been melting from the inside with how soft it can be. Even my own bones feel less like metal and more of rusted pipes. My CPU feels fuzzy, like it has had liquids spilled on it before and wasn't cleaned off of me fast enough to avoid causing damage. Often enough that thought makes me wonder if that's why my body is so limited to this form, a damaged CPU and a flimsy body is unable to support heavy changes, such as changing my form to switching my paws to weapons when I desire them. Making myself excuses to describe and reach for made up explanations for myself.

When it comes to my body however, as V specifically, I am wildly different than my canon body, it makes it easy to separate myself from her in the canon and me of who I am, which isn't a good feeling. I am not as tall or sleek, my hands are stuck. I often enough get this trapped sense of energy in my wrists and arms, where I could, where I should be able to swiftly exchange my hands for weapons or attached items, but alas we all know that doesn't occur or is possible. I feel an almost "off balance" with myself without a long tail to help add weight to my back. I believe in a way that I feel almost (?) less expressive with my emotes and actions without my tail (either as a coyote or as a disassembly drone), I already am more or less monotone in nature, the lack of the limb only adds onto it. Without surprise, this would apply to my wings, the lack of them adding on or just the strange absence of them.

I think my main issues with myself isn't entirely my physically appearance in itself, I think most of it is my physical limitations. I know I've touched on it time and time again, even going as far as writing another essay about the subject (link), which is something I have no need to repeat. More or less everything I have written in that previous ramble would apply to here.

Flying, a common topic of the winged and those who take flight in the alterhuman discussion. Koyanthropic shifters can fly, disassembly drones fly. I should be able to fly. Outside of the common yearning for freedom, to feel yourself cut through the air, I think my sense of grounding and safety is shortened without it. Disassembly drones wings are tough, bulletproof, sharp, and could be used as weapons. The sense of safety comes with them, to rip through air away from danger or to aid yourself and your pack/teammates in danger. I feel a little more vulnerable than I should be without my wings. Without my physical form as a disassembly drone in general.

However, in the end of the day, the week, in my lifetime, I am content where I am at. I feel I am more machine internally than externally. Comparison with how complex machines work, especially how I would view drones in the show, I am able to find many similarities that ease my running mind.

I often imagine our blood being oil, just more rusted to add to the red color. Yet, it is still oil that keeps our body cool and our body functioning. Our core acts in similar ways of a heart, alive, moving, pumping with synthetic life. From how our bodies keep their forms with muscle, bones, and tissue, no different from their metal, synthetic skin, plastic, and wires. Our veins hold blood as their tubes are full of oil. We certainly can be seen as fairly close to them, as to how I see myself. How I am just another drone in a different model, how my body functions in similar ways and even carry some physical similarities. It leaves me more content, a little easier with my mind. It doesn't erase the aching feeling and dysphoria no, but it can be fun to see how close we really can be to them.